grimmutterings

‘Good grief!  I wish people would stay away from here’ Edwin thought while he sat in his storm drain.  An old man was walking his dog by the school, across the road and nowhere near Edwin and his drain, but it was close enough.  Edwin was the possessive type.  Didn’t play well with others.

It was Saturday and Edwin had plans.  He had woken up early and been to tape up a mission statement in his storm drain, and to see if his drain had dried out.  It had, and once the old man and his dog had gone he went home again to get supplies.  Some of the leftover chicken in the fridge from the roast dinner the night before, a banana that was a bit squishy and brown and a can of Fanta.  Oh, and the bag of cheesy chips he’d managed to keep safe from the ‘I want I want’ hands of his little sister.  He put all his goodies in his Spiderman lunchbox, and then with his notebook and pen, and his binoculars that had been a free gift in a box of breakfast cereal, packed everything in his Batman rucksack.  He was ready to spend his day in his drain.

It was a nice day and after all the rain in the week he hadn’t been to his drain for a while.  Edwin had almost been tempted to move his headquarters to the drain further up the road, the one by the post office, but it could get quite busy there sometimes.  He had tried it out just to see, it was certainly drier but Edwin knew he wouldn’t be able to tolerate all the foot traffic.  All those old people going on about illnesses and imminent operations and people they knew, or had heard, had just died, or the weather.  Is that all the conversation there was to look forward to when you got old, no wonder they died.  And why did they all hang around outside the post office complaining when they could have done that inside while they were waiting forever to get served.  That was another thing moaned about outside, the service inside.  No thanks thought Edwin.

Edwin had looked one way of both ways before crossing the road and saw his grandmother inching her way towards him on her walker, waving cheerily.  She was on her way back from the post office.  Good grief thought Edwin I’m not stopping to hear about her hip.  He pretended he hadn’t seen her and fortunately the road was clear because he still hadn’t looked both ways before crossing.  His grandmother frowned, that boy needed some manners.

With his storm drain in sight under a grassy embankment, Edwin cheered up.  He checked around before going any closer, he didn’t want anyone to see where was EdHQ was.  His blasted grandmother was still standing where he had ignored her, frowning at him.  Really?  He thought.  Why’s she wasting time she can’t have long.  Go home.  He gave her a wave to see if that would make her go away, and his grandmother stopped frowning and waved back.  Edwin waved again and his grandmother gave a wave back and .. Good grief!  I’ll be here all day he thought and climbed the embankment, and down the other side and peeked round to see what his grandmother was doing.  She was on the move again.  Thank goodness.

His grandmother took forever with her walker to get any distance and she had to stop twice and pick up a tissue that escaped from the huge wad tucked up her cardigan sleeve.  She used to tuck sweeties up that sleeve too for Edwin and his sister until Edwin vomited after one time his sweety came with a tissue cemented to it.  Watching his grandmother pick up the tissue was an exercise in patience, the second time he wasn’t sure if she’d make it.  With a pop of that gammy hip probably, that he heard even from where he was, she managed.  She tucked the tissue back up her sleeve and another one fell out.  Edwin almost screamed.  His grandmother was about to pick it up, or try, when the old man and his dog came by again.  The man came to her aid and picked it up for her.  Uggh gross thought Edwin but now at least she’ll get cracking.  No.  They had a chat, catching up on ailments probably.  The dog lay down next to the man while he was chatting.  Oh that’s not good thought Edwin, the dog knows it’s not going anywhere anytime soon.  The dog was right.  Edwin had a cry, he was so annoyed.

He sat behind the embankment and ate the banana.  Banana gone … grandmother, man and dog still there .. and good grief an old lady had joined them.  Edwin kicked the embankment in rage.  His whole day ruined by old people.  So not fair.

He got his notebook and pen out and sat down to make an amended mission statement.  Obviously his grandmother was at the top, seriously the woman was a nuisance.  The man next because he was aiding and abetting, and that other woman too when he found out who she was.  He would take the dog home and it would be happier living with him than it had ever been before.  His mother wouldn’t let him have a dog, well HAH! he wouldn’t ask, he’d just take and his mother would take time off work to walk it 3 times a day.  She’d learn to love it.

He added his sister, because oh boy he was wishing she was somewhere else.  It was all me me me with her, and sticky.  He was still angry with her for taking his Lego police car apart.  It had taken him ages to put it together and she’d pulled it apart in seconds.  His mother was a ‘maybe’ just in case she wouldn’t walk the dog and old people came before her.  All of them.  His mission statement was shaping up nicely.  He peeked around the embankment again and would you believe it three more old people were there.  He heard croaky laughing and noses being blown.  The embankment got another kicking.

Edwin’s therapist had suggested Edwin try counting to 10 when he felt he might be getting angry, to help the moment pass, Edwin counted to 2,000 and ate his chicken.  The chicken and 2,000 later and a peek around the embankment and Edwin was beyond furious.  Just how many old people lived round here, there was a crowd now on the other side of the road.  The dog had moved so it wouldn’t get crushed by walking sticks, walkers and wheelchairs.  Edwin used his binoculars in the hope of identifying any of the mob of old people.  Names would be noted.  The flakes of cereal trapped in the lenses weren’t helping.

Edwin fell to the ground in a fury.  He cried and raged, his feet beating the embankment and his fists pounding the ground.  He felt a bit better after and lay on his back looking up at the sky through his binoculars’ cereal lenses and kicked the embankment until he’d tired himself out and his legs felt quite weak.  He drank his Fanta and ate his cheesy chips and drew pictures of old people exploding.  They were quite good some of them, he wasn’t sure his mother would want them on the fridge with his sisters shoddy artwork but he’d definitely get his crayons and add some color to them when he got home.

At some point he fell asleep.  He awoke to an empty pavement across the road.  All the old people had gone home or been rounded up.  Or exploded?  Finally Edwin could get to his storm drain and begin the day he had planned.  Except his storm drain wasn’t there anymore.  His tantrums and kicking of the side of the embankment had caused a collapse inside.

Good grief!  Edwin stared at the tumbled earth with pieces of his broken drain poking through and thought about kicking it again, but in all honesty he’d had quite a nice day round the other side of the embankment.  His mission statement was vastly improved, he’d drawn some of his best pictures ever and he’d enjoyed his sleep.  He’d enjoyed his lunch and his sister would have a meltdown when she saw his cheesy chip orange stained fingers and he would enjoy watching that.  She won’t mess with my Lego again he thought.  He’d actually had a more productive day outside of the drain than he had planned being in it.

Tomorrow he would relocate to the drain up the road by the post office and put up with the old people and their cackling.  If it wasn’t for them he may well have been crushed to death in what he saw now was a very old and fragile drain that could have and really should have collapsed long before now.  He was going to give his grandmother a kiss when he got home.  From a distance, the high five kind of kiss, her whiskers had stabbed him the last time he got too close.